Fearless

Fearless. Courageous. That’s what I want to be. Picture Wonder Woman (sorry guys, maybe a gladiator?) Anyway, this is not always my reality. This week anxiety reared its ugly head. So often my face looks like this little boy’s as God takes me on the roller coaster of life.

I’m getting out into the world more. Meanwhile so many friends are getting covid. During treatment, I lost my sister to covid. I’m still grieving her. This escalates my emotion regarding the risks. It’s also hard to let go of the vigilance we had to have re: my health while being immune compromised. Going out into society now produces an anxiety that I’ve never had before. I want to get together with people, see faces without masks, and receive hugs, but I also don’t want to get sick.

I reached out to a couple of praying friends, and asked them to lift me up. (One sent this mime 😆) The burden on my heart eased in part due to their prayers, and also due to their honesty. I found that I’m not the only one struggling with anxiety. Many of us do for a lot of reasons, but especially in this world as we figure out our health post/during a pandemic. There’s power in realizing we’re not alone in our struggle.

God’s got us- no matter what. When Peter wanted to walk on the water, Jesus said- go for it! Peter was doing great until his gaze fell upon the waves vs. Jesus’ face. (Matt 14) This is often my problem. The sea storm takes over my vision.

I was thinking about vision this week as I did a painting for my son, Neal’s, 25th birthday. When I started the painting, a friend came by and saw the graduated yellow to green. I told him it was going to be a forest pathway, and he said, “I don’t see it, but I hope it turns out.” When we are going through life, we can’t see the finished product sometimes for a very long time. Other times, we may not understand until heaven.

I heard a poem a long time ago regarding a weaver. It talked about how necessary the dark threads are as well as the light as without them there will be no picture at the end. When I finished the painting, I did have a forest pathway ☺️ It took a lot of dark paint to create it, much more than the light colors. That gave me pause. I’ve watched God use the dark times to deepen my walk with Him, but yet I’m always asking for more light…

Painting is a gift in my life. It helps me be present in the moment. I find it hard to worry while creating. What works for you? Yoga? Walks on the beach?Hikes? Dancing in your kitchen?Discovering it and doing it regularly is so important for mental health.

At the beginning of covid, I found Psalm 46 in the Message, “God is a safe place to hide, ready to help when we need Him. We stand fearless at the cliff-edge of doom, courageous in sea storm and earthquake before the rush and roar of oceans, the tremors that shift mountains.” This then became a mental mantra during cancer- “I stand fearless even at the cliff edge of doom”.

I can’t control the outcome of my life no matter how hard I try. The concern of reoccurrence of cancer will now always be a thing. This lack of control & need to trust is what Jesus meant by “Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?” Matt 6:27. Nope.

So in the uncertainty, let’s grab the hand of the Master Artist of our lives, and know that He’s not finished with our painting. Let’s hide in Him when we’re anxious, and depend on Him to be our help. This is a moment by moment choice, not a place we arrive. May we “sing in the shadow of His wings” Ps 63:7. Then we’ll be fearless, courageous as He guides us down the pathway of our life.

Bonus Photo: My painting buddies