Our garden is full of summer blooms. I’ve been enjoying cutting and arranging them into colorful bouquets to be sold at our local strawberry stand. It’s been fun to join my husband in the garden more. I’ve been teased for years about my ability to kill plants. I even let an air plant die and replaced it with a plastic one 😂 My gardener husband was appalled.
This summer, I’m beginning to hear what the plants are saying. Lately they have been wilting in the heat. They are crying out for water with droopy leaves, curled petals, and singed edges. As people, when life turns up the heat, we wilt too. Its wonderful when people around us notice and offer refreshment.
Sometimes we see someone in need of encouragement, but it can be hard to know what to say or do. Several people reached out to me this week with their hearts heavy for someone in their life who is headed into or undergoing cancer treatment. They wanted some advice on how to help in a way that would be appreciated. I hope my experience can help.
First thing- it’s ok to not know what to say. It’s just not ok to say nothing. Cancer treatment is isolating. Please reach out to your friend, but it’s ok to tell them you don’t know what to say, but you care. The comments I appreciated most also validated that what I was experiencing was sucky and made my friend sad that I had to endure it.
Offer help, but please don’t say, “let me know how I can help.” Unfortunately we all have our pride. I never reached out to people who made a general offer. I did gratefully accept specific things offered or given- sweet or funny gifts, homemade food, grocery drop offs, walks, long talks, and animal visits.
If you want ideas for gifts- here’s an Amazon list of helpful items you could send: https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/33T7LCHAOBXAP?ref_=wl_share
Just use it to get your own ideas going ☺️
If you’re far away from your person, you can send a meal via door dash, or flowers in so many ways. Cards, texts, phone calls or FaceTime are all options. Humor is always appreciated and a listening ear. The fighter is experiencing so many emotions. Just don’t give advice unless requested. Others have already given too much, I promise 😉
Remember you are unique and have something special to give your person that’s hurting. So, think of a few options you could afford physically, financially, and emotionally and offer them- then see what they pick.
Maybe you’re the one reading this and wishing someone would see your wilting petals and stop to help. I hope they do and your people show up to help you fight. Unfortunately though, it’s your fight. You’re the one who has to suit up and go to battle each day.
What does that look like? It means taking steps forward even if they’re small. If someone has offered some support, accept. Be honest when people ask how you’re doing. Figure out what gives you energy and do more of that.
If you’ve read some of my blogs, you’ve figured out that I have a strong spiritual practice. My personal relationship with God grew deeper during cancer. Jeremiah 17:7-8 says, “…blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord whose confidence is in Him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes, it’s leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”
Thankfully, pre cancer my roots were already deep into the living water God wants to give. During treatment I met with Him and read His word daily to receive refreshment and strength. God and I had honest conversations about all that I was feeling and thinking. I like to do that by writing out my prayers in a journal that I eventually toss as it’s messy and raw. I also keep a gratitude list journal and my one from treatment is priceless to me because it is filled with ways I saw God meet my needs -often using those around me. My gratitude journals I keep. I just hit over 9500 items- post cancer.
I have a chronic pain condition from an old foot injury from a horse that happened when I was 18. Thankfully I had done a lot of work before cancer to figure out how to cope with chronic pain. Those skills were totally transferable to fighting cancer. One of the most important ones was utilizing regular exercise.
Years ago a pivotal moment happened for me when a doctor asked, “Do you want to walk?” It felt like a ludicrous question to me… she followed it up with, “then you need to swim.” Swimming is life giving to me now and was during cancer. Personally I also enjoy my stationary bike, and walking as much as I can. Discover what you like, but move until you do. Movement will increase your endorphins and you need them!
Think of ways to connect with and appreciate your medical team. I enjoyed bringing them flowers. My sister-in-law while fighting brain cancer, handed out magic wands. It’s important to feel seen, and saying thank you to them will make you feel good and pave a path to better communication with your team.
Enjoy foods you like, and ones that are good for you 😆, wear comfy clothes, snuggle in soft blankets, read funny books, watch feel good movies, drink LOTS of water, take a nap, listen to fun music, dance, pet an animal, spend time in nature, avoid negativity, and be creative.
Painting has been something I’ve enjoyed for years. After treatment was when I had time to take classes to learn and improve. The process of being creative is extremely life giving. During treatment a friend gave me a book on hand lettering that was really fun to do. I find that my entire system relaxes when I’m painting and any anxiety or high emotion melts away. Find what you can do that feeds your soul. The process is what matters, not the end product. If what you create starts to be something you want to keep- that’s a bonus ☺️
Consider a focus board or bulletin board with photos of those who love you, and things that encourage you to keep on keeping on. Some days you’ll rock it and some days will be hard to get out of bed. The next day can be better, but you might have to choose to make it so. It ok to cry, and be angry. Let it out and don’t stuff it down. Then refocus on all you have to be grateful for. You can do this! Just take one step at a time.
Side note- A friend helped me understand that not everyone can show up for you in a way you wish they would. Just the word “cancer” triggers differing emotions in all of us. Some people will disappear. It hurts. It’s more about them than you. Their own fears might be paralyzing them. Try to let it go and focus on those who step in. Your relationships with them will grow in beautiful ways.
We can each bloom where we’re planted, even if the soil is very rocky. Whatever role you find yourself in, supporter or fighter, please consider how to draw strength from God. Roots that go down deep into the Living Water will enable you to be a source of refreshment to those around you, and give you strength to keep going.
Today would’ve been my sister-in-law, Marissa’s, 42nd birthday. She’s been gone a month now, after dying from brain cancer reoccurrence. This afternoon, I suited up in my bright pink “Joy” t-shirt and enjoyed ice cream with a friend in her honor. My friend let me talk about all the things I loved about my little sister-in-law. The shirt defines joy as “gladness not defined by circumstances.” Let’s choose joy each day we’re given, and decide to bloom where we’re planted 🌸💗
