Step By Step

How do we walk in gratitude, experiencing joy in the midst of the twists and turns of life? As I’ve been pondering this, a renewed resolution has gripped me. Just focus on one step at a time.

I’ve been getting to hike lately. This is major deal. When I was 18 I had an accident where a horse put all its weight on my right foot. Since then I haven’t walked without pain. Standing has been excruciating, and I haven’t run at all. I had a surgery in my early 30’s to remove a bone spur hoping that would help, but then a pain condition set in, called complex regional pain syndrome. Weight bearing of any kind has only been painful until now.

During chemotherapy, my feet and hands lit up with nerve pain. We had to stop treatment early as it felt like they were on fire. Increased nerve pain in both feet remained post treatment. I was so grateful to be alive, but God and I had many discussions about if this increased pain, and decreased mobility were really necessary?!

I had begged God during cancer to not let it destroy us, but by a miracle to somehow make things better. We’re still healing from me fighting for my life and all the loss of loved ones in the same short time period. In the midst of that I’m seeing this prayer answered.

Because of the totality of our circumstances, Kaiser recommended I see a trauma therapist and try a new low dose medication for chronic pain. Both have been extremely helpful in quieting my nerve pain, and learning new patterns in my brain. So much so, that now I’ve been experimenting with hiking up hill with over 1000ft of increased elevation.

The first hike my husband and I did like this, I wanted to give up three quarters of the way. He suggested I start counting my steps and see if it helped keep me going. He thought the crest with the view of the ocean was about 700 more steps away. He was right 😁 and boy was it worth reaching the top of that hill!!

Now I’ve challenged myself with the panoramic loop at Helen Putnam Park in Petaluma and most recently, up the mountain at Mt.Gilead in CA for sunrise service. This last one was especially emotional as I haven’t been able to do that hike since I was 18. So many memories of completing it as a kid (as this is where I grew up) soared back. Tears filled my eyes as I reached the top.

Life is full of ups and downs, twists and turns. It can get discouraging or be tempting to just tap out and take a break. Unfortunately breaks can look like numbing or comforting behaviors that can turn into an excess and be harmful instead of helpful.

Lately, I’ve gotten honest with myself about using food for comfort. A working scale has helped 😆 I had given myself permission to eat whatever I wanted while my heart was crying in grief. This does not help my desire to hike mountains. Less weight actually makes that goal easier. Go figure! So I’ve begun again a journey of accountability regarding what I eat and how I seek comfort.

Paul says in 2 Corinthians 1:3-4, that “God is the God of all comfort who comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with comfort we ourselves have received from God.”

Others have done this for me on my journey- a text, a card, flowers, a meal, or a hug have kept me going. I want to do that for others. I see it happen when I’m vulnerable about my cancer journey and discover another survivor. Hugs are given, tears may fall, but we’re both encouraged on our path. I just had this experience outside of a store buying raffle tickets to support a little girl fighting cancer. She needs our prayers as she fights.

I can get caught up in the fears of what tomorrow will bring, instead of staying in the here and now. As I’ve talked with other cancer survivors, we all face the tension of taking care of our bodies, but not letting the fear of reoccurrence win. I loved reading Matthew 6:34 in the Message this morning, “Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.”

So how do we do this journey called life well? Even with joy? It’s just step by step. Sometimes they feel easy and sometimes we have to huff and puff to keep going. The energy to continue can be fueled by God’s grace and then we can have the privilege to reach out a hand to help someone else to keep going, then joy is multiplied. We can feel it bloom in our heart as it connects with another.