Gifts of Grief

Merry Christmas! Are you doing last minute Christmas things? I wrapped so many gifts yesterday & thankfully they’re under the tree now, ready to be given.

I did some reflecting today on the gifts that come within grief and thought of all the brightly wrapped packages under my tree. They are filled with things I hope others will like. Items I hope will express care, and love.

Last Friday, I got a “gift” I didn’t want- an infection in one of my surgical sites. I’d been warned that due to lack of circulation there it could happen. My response was a temper tantrum- “I don’t want this!” It led to a dr visit and as the infection worsened that night, the ER for IV antibiotics. Thankfully my lab work encouraged my doctors so I got to come home – to take 3 different antibiotics. 10 days later, I’m so much better; but also oh so tired. Antibiotics are hard on the body. So grateful my last dose is today.

The holidays are usually jam packed for me with time spent with others or planning celebrations at my house. This time of being sick in the midst of it has brought an unexpected calm. I’ve given myself permission to paint, rest, read, sleep.

We’re walking through another first set of holidays without a loved one- Brent’s little sister. Unexpected pits of emotion come like a puddle of rain water. I step in it and get an unexpected cold splash. Decorating for Christmas was filled with poignancy as I unwrapped ornaments from my sister who passed of Covid in 2021, decorations from Brent’s precious mom who passed of Alzheimer’s in 2022, and handmade ornaments from a little Marissa, just mentioned, who passed of brain cancer in 2024. Its all so much grief.

Cancer also brought losses. Once of which was an insulation of safety. I no longer feel invincible, or like it can’t happen to me. When Kaiser sends me for a test, I worry on a visceral level that the worst can happen.

Simultaneously, grief has brought gifts. Without dark we don’t really appreciate the light. I’ve found that being a cancer survivor, I get to spread Hope. Hope that when the worst news comes, you can survive, and be victorious!

My faith was vibrant pre cancer, but now I know my roots tap into Living Water and it sustains me even through drought. Prayers really do work miracles. Having community is important! Birthdays are precious days and I don’t mind sharing my age. I enjoyed turning 54 on 12/9 and all the ways my family and friends helped me celebrate- dinner out, dinner in, a hike, lunches out… for over 10 days 😁 I’m so happy to have hair and to watch it grow. Others who meet me now and hear my story, wonder if I ever lost it at all… I’m grateful for each precious day given.

Post cancer, I get to spend my days mostly taking care of myself and creating. Painting has been the main outlet for that. Because of wanting to take lessons, I’ve found a community of artists. Within that community are many wonderful people including other cancer survivors and we encourage each other.

I don’t have time any more for the unimportant or to not be honest, or to worry much about what others think. I want to spend time with the people I love. Children are hilarious. Pets bring me joy, and their messes can be cleaned up. Baking is fun, and sharing what I’ve made to eat or spread on a canvas brings me joy.

I have regrets or wishes for what else I could have said to or experienced with those we’ve lost. It makes me not want that with others in my life, and helps me think carefully about how to show my care for them.

In the midst of being sick this last week, my friends and family have shown up again for me. They’re texting, praying, going to the store, making cake, bringing tea, watching movies. There are so many ways to tell people we care.

Sometimes the reason for this season gets drowned out by the noise. Christmas is-God showed His love by giving us His son- John 3:16. The angels said this was, “good news of great joy that will be for all people“ (Luke 2:10). Let’s follow in His footsteps and show our love to others in big ways but also countless small ways each day. The joy of giving is a gift for the giver.

Praying we all have eyes to see the Light in our dark through Christmas and the New Year 🕯️💗