The Christmas season is here! How do you feel about that? Excited, anxious, stressed, joyful? There are so many dynamics to the holidays that can bring up a variety of emotions. Many memes and movies highlight the stress of the season as family comes together 🤪 and then there’s other movies, posts etc that make us feel like we “should” have something perfect at the holidays. Oh my, what a fantasy.

The first Christmas wasn’t even perfect. I can’t imagine having to travel on foot or by donkey if they had one when Mary was SO pregnant. Then desperate for a place to sleep and finding one in a stable. That’s when labor begins? Seriously?! It must have been cold, confusing, and thrilling. Angels appeared to shepherds and then they left their sheep to go see the baby. This is not a “normal“ labor & delivery situation. What even is “normal”?

My oldest son hosted our Thanksgiving and my younger son & wife helped tremendously. We all pitched in. Our daughter-in-law’s family joined us and we had a wonderful time together. My heart was full but also heavy. I found myself sad that we wouldn’t be calling my sister-in-law as we lost her to brain cancer this year. I saw a gift the other day I would have purchased for her & felt the hole of her absence this Christmas season. Joy and grief collided. Perhaps you feel the tension too. Life can be both wonderful and painful at the same time.

I love the Christmas carol that says “a weary world rejoices.” In the darkness of winter, Christmas lights shine brightly, s symbol of the Hope that came that first imperfect Christmas. Luke 1:78-79 are some of my favorite Christmas verses, “because of the tender mercy of our God by which the rising sun will come to us from heaven to shine on those living in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide our feet into the path of peace.”

Christmas is all about the Light coming and shining hope in darkness. It seems the red cardinal has become a symbol of the holidays. Red feathers contrast against white snow on Christmas cards. One day while visiting with my sister-in-law in GA while she was on hospice, a flash of red appeared outside her kitchen window. It was my first sighting of a red cardinal in nature. Her four year old daughter and I were painting together, so we decided to try and paint one and his mate.

Huntergirl sings a country song I like about how seeing a red bird is a sign of God’s care. I love the refrain which says, “I could use a red bird right now.” It’s a heartfelt cry for God to show up in the dark and give reassurance that He’s still present, still cares, and there’s a purpose in the madness of our world.

I just finished painting a cardinal in remembrance of that moment in my sister-in-law’s kitchen when a red bird showed up. I still don’t understand why she went to heaven so young, leaving a young daughter and husband behind. I do have hope that even in the midst of this, God still shows up and cares. There’s peace in trusting even when I don’t understand.

Here in CA we don’t get many literal red birds that show up, but wherever we are may we have eyes to see the ways in which God wants to remind us that He’s present. This Christmas, may His light shine in our hearts, filling us with hope. Hope is contagious. May His light shine in and through us to help our weary world see reasons to rejoice.

Can you believe Thanksgiving is almost here?! My husband has planted so many trees and shrubs on our property that have been turning color and dropping their leaves. Our last maple is bright orange and our ginko glows yellow. I’m trying to enjoy each last colorful leaf 🍁

Thanksgiving is a favorite of mine. It’s a wonderful time to gather with friends and family and there’s not the pressure of gifts. It’s a time to remember to stop and be grateful for blessings big and small.

I’m a big believer that an attitude of gratitude changes things. It changes perspective and even our expression. We’re drawn to those who remember their blessings. In essence, their thankfulness lights them up from within.

I had a good conversation with an aging friend this week who has moved into an assisted living facility. She’s sad to have left her home. In the midst of being honest about how hard it’s been, she also shared how good the food is, how nice the other residents are, and how she’s glad to not be worrying her kids anymore. I told her, “I want to be like you when I grow up!”

I’ve admired this friend for a long time. She faced loosing her husband suddenly in their 60’s and developed a parochial preschool as part of her masters thesis after all her kids were grown. Once again, as she faces this difficult transition, I was inspired by her ability to be honest yet positive. Even in the hard, her sweetness shines forth.

I’ve been working on a painting of hot air balloons. Last summer I finally made it to a hot air balloon launch before dawn with my adopted sister and niece and nephew. The most beautiful part was the balloons glowing in the dark. My photos led to this painting, Lit From Within.

As I did my best to make the balloons glow, I was intrigued by the juxtaposition of light and dark. For light to really shine, it needs the contrast of the dark… something to ponder.

My life went into a spiral of medical appointments last week as my doctors wanted to be very proactive about some post cancer symptoms I’m having. Thankfully the news was all good!! I’m so grateful for good medical care and the thorough approach of my medical team, but spending each day running to Kaiser for tests and scans was stressful.

In the midst of this, I had the sweetest conversation with a phlebotomist about faith and how she goes with others to pray for cancer patients or visit those in convalescent homes. I was inspired by how she was shining in the midst of doing her job.

We are all in different places in life. Our job is to bloom right where we’re planted. I’ve been sprucing up this winter sunset painting that I did last year. My friend who’s a missionary in Alaska took the reference photo at sunset one winter day at 3:45 pm.

I find the time change affects my mood as it gets dark earlier- like 5-6pm. This is nowhere near 3:45 😳 Here’s another reason to be grateful! I’ve found that if I can name 3 items I’m thankful for that can usually turn it into 10 or more.

I’m also rejoicing that Nov 10 was my three year cancer freeaversary. Like my new word? 😆 My life has been forever changed by cancer but that’s ok. I’m so very grateful to not be sick and to be moving forward in life. I know the possibility of reoccurrence is there but I’m confident that if it happens, God will sustain me to fight again.

Yesterday, we celebrated with a trip to a French flea market and lunch with friends. In the most unlikely of locations, I had an encouraging moment. I was waiting in a small kitchen to use a restroom. One of the cooks asked me how I was in Spanish. In my limited Spanish I answered, “bien, y tú?” He said he was also good & then asked how my day had been. I gave him a big smile and in broken Spanish told him I was celebrating 3 years of being cancer free. His face registered shock & in English he said, “Glory to God!” I responded in Spanish, “Gloria a Dios!” We smiled at each other and gave God glory for my health in the back of that kitchen. What a moment!🙌

What are your reasons to be thankful? Can you think of 3? Can it morph into 10? Maybe catch a sunrise or sunset over the next couple of weeks and take time to marvel at the beauty. It can reset perspective on appreciation of the One who makes the sun rise and set. Give Him all the hard things that don’t make sense and see what He does with them.

May the gratitude that blooms in our hearts shine forth and spread joy to those around us. Happy Thanksgiving 🍂

Why is my heart dialed to scaredy cat vs roaring lion? Being an artist is a vulnerable business. It means putting a piece of your soul and perspective into a medium and then creating something outside of you for all to see. This takes courage!

I’ve been submitting my work to art shows. When a piece is accepted, I’m on cloud 9; when they aren’t chosen, it’s hard to stop the negative self talk in my head. I was recently reading a post on anxiety by the singer, Leanna Crawford, she reminded those reading that anxiety is often fueled by negative self talk. So how can we change inner negativity?

Focusing on truth is so important. Leanna’s song Still Waters says, “anxiety hates Psalm 23.” Filling my mind with who God says I am strengthens my spirit. He says I am “fearfully and wonderfully made” Psalm 139:14, and He’s accomplishing His purposes through me, Phil 1:6.

It helps to remember to recognize the inner negativity or lies, “Oh, yeah, there it comes again” type of recognition. Another strategy I’ve learned is to turn the voice into an animated version. My favorite is the Tasmanian Devil. His voice makes me chuckle and not take the negativity so seriously.

Unfortunately turning off the negative voice doesn’t really work. It’s like trying to not think about an elephant and all you can see in your head is an elephant! Turning down the volume on the voice or not taking it so seriously has worked for me. I also practice appreciation of the art around me that I’m so grateful someone had courage enough to complete- the car I drive, the song lifting me up, the book making me laugh…

Surrounding ourselves with encouraging people helps too. Cheerleaders who root for us are important. I have family and friends who enjoy my art. When they look around my studio, their words of praise bolster my courage to create again.

Trying new things is courageous. I recently took an art class on collage and found myself nervous to experiment with a new art form. Results become too important to me. The process of creating is also valuable, so even if the finished product isn’t what I’d like it to be, the time spent being creative was time we’ll spent. I can typically turn off my over active brain while doing art and that in itself is a gift.

It’s helpful to remember that not everyone appreciates every art form. We are all so different, and simply like a variety of things. So if what I create isn’t someone’s cup of tea, that’s ok.

Also, it takes being creative to grow as an artist. I can see progress when I look at my earlier artwork. Lies are insidious and not helpful- like “you will never get it”, or “you can’t do it.”But when I look backwards, I see that I am growing as an artist.

Some people seem to have an extra sprinkling of talent, but all of us can work to hone our skills. Working at something means we will progress in our capabilities. So I might not be able to paint _____ yet, but if I practice I’ll get better at it. No one is a master at something they’ve just begun to learn. That’s such a simple truth, yet time and again I expect myself to do something well the first time I try 🤦‍♀️ Perfectionism is a cruel master.

For example we are learning portraits in my painting class. My first pass at capturing Frieda Kahlo doesn’t look like her except for the unibrow. It does look like a woman- kinda, albeit an angry one. It’s tempting to give up and just go back to landscapes. Maybe portraits won’t be my thing, but they might be… if I keep practicing.

That’s the voice I want in my head- “keep going”, “you can do this”, “it’s worth trying”. Thankfully I’m a part of a wonderful art community. I was so nervous to have my first table at one of our events selling my greeting cards, but everyone was so encouraging.

Let’s remember when someone is doing something hard or being vulnerable, we have an opportunity to be their cheerleader. Maybe next time they need it, they will hear our voice in their head rooting them on. In this way, we can share the joy and bolster courage.

Painting regularly has given me new eyes. While driving I notice the light shimmering on green leaves and wonder how to recreate it with paint. As I walk around our property I notice details and try to catch them with my camera. Perhaps they will become a painting…

I’m feeling a little sad as the leaves begin to turn color and cooler weather begins. I had so many plans for summer! Some of it happened, and hard things happened too. Loosing my little sister-in-law stopped us in our tracks. Grief rose up and encompassed us again.

Trying to recreate creation in paint is very therapeutic, and gives me a lot of time to ponder God’s artistry. While in Glacier National Park we had an afternoon we weren’t sure how to spend. We ended up driving to the North West part of the park to check out Polebridge Mercantile & Bakery.

Wow! & Yum! Inside it smelled like I imagine heaven will- all yeast & sugar and wonderfulness. We had huge huckleberry bear claws & almond joy cookies that I wish I knew the recipe for. We also discovered another entrance to the park that we didn’t know existed. Down a winding, dirt road where aspens were beginning to golden, we found Bowman Lake and got out to walk around. The beauty was astounding.

The day was overcast but the sun peaked through and shone a bit on the still lake. The central peaks of the park jutted up behind the lake providing contrast. We snapped lots of photos.

I had picked up an odd sized canvas at a thrift store before the trip-12×48. As I looked through my photos from the trip it seemed the perfect size to catch the reflection on the water of Bowman Lake. What fun to try to capture the colors and the glimmer of light on the mountains and in the water.

Next up, I decided to dig in to capturing sunrise at Logan Pass. I really wasn’t sure about getting up early enough to see the sun rise on the Going to the Sun Road, but it was so worth it. Spectacular! Cool air surrounded us, the sun peaked around the crags in the mountains and started to light up the sky, lighting up the grass and wildflowers. Fireweed glowed in the first rays. So much symbolism there.

Fireweed is the first flower to appear after forest fires. The fires actually help the seeds open. Therefore it’s a symbol of hope after fire, rebirth after tragedy. I thought about this as I sought to capture the glowing petals.

Then, needing a break from large canvases I started painting a brilliant butterfly that my husband Brent took a photo of at Shell Beach. We were walking on Kortum trail with a friend and among the drab weeds this brilliant guy caught our attention. As I painted the brown and gold background I thought of all the dark that can be used to highlight the light. Without the contrast there isn’t true beauty.

Today in working through a grief journal I thought about secondary losses because of cancer, and loosing important people over the last couple of years. These losses are real and I’m grappling with the need to feel them so I can move on.

Secondary gains also came to mind. Like, having a new appreciation for the beauty around me and seeing unexpected surprises. I love Leanna Crawford’s song, “How Can You Not?” It’s about seeing God all around us-in the sunrise, or reflection, or lizard sitting on a pumpkin. I’ve found that recognizing these blessings can bring daily joy. I’m grateful the contrast of dark times can make the happy ones shine brighter.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 encourages me to keep seeking with the eyes of my heart. In this passage God says, “ I know the plans I have for you, to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all of your heart.” He promises that if we look, we will find Him.

I’m hoping you see something special today- a color, a smile, a gift in holding the hand of someone you love- a glimpse of God in your world. May that unexpected surprise bring a smile of joy to your face and warm your heart.

We recently got to spend 4 wonderful days in Glacier National Park. If you haven’t been, put it on your bucket list. It’s stupendous. We enjoyed a trip years ago that our son Neal planned as part of his 5th grade state report on Montana. Unfortunately on that trip the Going to the Sun road wasn’t open yet for the year. We have always wanted to go back.

This was a trip just for Brent and I and we treated ourselves to a night at the Prince of Wales hotel in Waterton on the Canadian side of the park. We enjoyed it so much, complete with high tea. The view out of the windows is breathtaking and we just sat and drank it in.

Thankfully, the Going to the Sun road was open this trip and we got to travel it twice. Once upon arrival late in the day, and then two days later at dawn to catch the sunrise. I wasn’t sure getting up so early would be worth it, but wow! The mountains glowed pink and then orange. As we waited at Logan Pass for the sun to rise again, big horn sheep wondered by. Because we were up that early we got to see multiple bears from the safety of our car.

There are signs everywhere that you’re in bear country and your safety is not guaranteed. There was also bear spray for sale at every store. We weren’t sure how much hiking we’d be doing so hadn’t purchased any. Because we were up so early we were able to get a parking spot for the hike to John’s Lake. A park employee had suggested it as an easy to moderate hike that I might be able to do.

We started up the trail encouraged by the sign that the hotel horses take that trail & lots of footprints. Then we came to a y. There was a sign but it indicated other trails you would connect to but didn’t mention John’s Lake. We started down it but it was obviously less traveled and with the concern of bears and the altitude I was struggling to catch my breath.

We turned around and tried the other side of the y, obviously the horse trail. We didn’t find a lake so we had decided to give up and return to the car. On the way down we passed another couple who asked us if we’d found the John’s Lake. We explained we hadn’t because the signs weren’t clear. We all wanted to see the lake & debated what to do. They had bear spray! And the horses started coming up the trail. We were able to get some clear direction from the wrangler and another hiker so we started up the trail less traveled, again.

Wow what a difference it made being all together and knowing we had bear spray, if needed. I could now breathe! As we started getting to know each other, we found we had several things in common. We both had two sons, we’d spent many family vacations visiting national parks, and both wives had fought cancer.

I mentioned that I was painting a lot post cancer and looking forward to getting a picture of the lake. I threw that information out there hoping it would be encouraging, but what happened was I got encouraged! My new hiking buddy then told me about her journey with lymphoma and her husband told us how she’d bravely faced reoccurrence multiple times. She had needed a bone marrow donor and her college age sons put out the word. Many of their friends registered to see if they were a match and several ended up donating marrow and saving someone else’s life. Thankfully Kim is now 11 years cancer free, feeling good and they were ready to hike the park and enjoy the beauty.

I wish I could live each day with such an awareness of God at work in my life. It was so obvious that even with all the little decisions we made that day, the four of us were supposed to meet on that trail. The threat of reoccurrence is an ongoing emotional battle for me especially after our loss of Brent’s sister Marissa this summer to brain cancer reoccurrence.

It was as if God dropped Kim and Jim into our path to encourage us that reoccurrence isn’t necessarily going to be my story but if it is, we can face it with courage. It was a clear example of God’s care for me also because I really wanted to do that hike! Once we were together and my system calmed due to being together and the presence of bear spray, I could not only breathe; I could hike and talk 😂 It was also a measurable sign of my stamina and decreased pain in my feet.

Once we found beautiful, calm John’s Lake, we took many photos including a selfie of us four. Upon arrival at our cars we parted with hugs, connected by our shared experience with cancer and unwanted knowledge of what it means to look the possibility of death in the face.

Life takes courage every day. It’s inspiring to hear others’ stories of courage and they can help us not feel alone on our own journey. It can even make the difference between success and giving up. Companions who come alongside us to help us keep going are such a gift, multiplying our joy.

Have you ever noticed the number of shades of green there are in our world? While growing as an artist, it has become apparent that I had no idea. When capturing a landscape there are so many different greens I need. One of my painting teachers taught me how to start with Hooker’s Green add purple to make dark green, yellow for light grass green, white for an even lighter shade & so on- from just that one color to fill my pallet with umpteen shades of green.

I was painting a reflection of trees in the Truckee River this week and lamenting my lack of Hooker’s Green. I was using other greens I had on hand but they weren’t turning out quite right. Then I remembered, on clearance at an art store I had purchased a 16oz of Hooker’s Green! Buried under my other extra colors was what I’d needed all the time, but I had been doing without.

Being without is another way to define scarcity. I hadn’t thought much about that word until reading “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brenne Brown. I highly recommend it. She eloquently shows how having a mindset of scarcity can negatively affect everything we do. The fear of being without can spiral us into very unhelpful places.

In Psalm 23, David opens with, “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want (NIV 1984).” I did a lot of repeating Psalm 23 to myself to settle my mind during cancer, especially when trying to sleep. Repeating Psalm 23 helped me to remember God wants to lead, guide, and protect me as my Lord and Shepherd and in that place, scarcity is not my reality. Like verse Psalm 23:1 says, “I shall not be in want.”

I can do a great job of looking like I’m living a Christian life fueled by the Holy Spirit’s power but instead actually trying to do it on my own. God’s resources are limitless. He can give me never-ending love, kindness, joy. I know when I’m not plugged into Him because my resources reach an end, often abruptly. This usually results in me snapping at someone I love.

This offers clarity to do a reset. It’s an opportunity to ask for forgiveness from the person I’ve hurt and take myself back to God and ask Him to fill me up with what I need to do what He’s asking me to do. Love for the one He wants me to love. Grace for myself or another who isn’t where I wish they were. Kindness for a person who’s hurting. When life is hard, one of the benefits is that we are quickly humbled by our lack- of patience, persistence, love, kindness, courage, resilience.

Just like my green paint that was hiding in plain sight, God waits right beside us like a gentleman for us to come to Him with our need. He wants to meet us where we’re at in the very darkest and shine His light for the road ahead. He’s an amazing travel companion for the journey, offering everything to make it better like rest, snacks, water, and fuel. He also wants to lead the way.

I think that’s the true issue with why I ignore His ability to provide all I need. In order to receive all He wants to give, I have to let Him be who He is in my life. Psalm 23:1 says He’s Lord. The Good Shepherd, not just a Good Shepherd. As Lord, He wants to not be my sidekick on an adventure called life, but the leader, guide, driver.

To not live in scarcity requires surrender. Why is that so hard? I know I’m going to reach the end quickly if I rely on my own resources, but I still continue to try to muster through on my own. I’m a certified control freak but I try and hide it even from myself. If control has been stripped away, maybe in the form of pain, or grief, or loss we can reach for the lifeline. The Good Shepherd wants to hold us close and be sure we lack nothing.

I’ve really been enjoying the music of Leanna Crawford. She just released her “Still Waters” album. I love how her music is raw yet encouraging. Her title song “Still Waters” is all about Psalm 23 and how our Shepherd makes us dwell in safety by the still waters. When control has been stripped away because life has thrown curveballs, our entire system can shut down because we feel unsafe. Afraid of what is next, fear can paralyze us as we come face to face with the limitations of our own resilience to continue moving forward.

Thankfully, scarcity does not have to define our reality. In surrender, we can find “peace that passes understanding” (Phil 4:6-7). It will literally make no sense outwardly, but inwardly we can have joy as we are being “renewed day by day (2 Cor 4:16b).”

My prayer for both of us is found in Romans 15:13, “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, and may you overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Our part is to trust. He has the power to fill us with joy, peace, and hope. What a way to truly live!

Our garden is full of summer blooms. I’ve been enjoying cutting and arranging them into colorful bouquets to be sold at our local strawberry stand. It’s been fun to join my husband in the garden more. I’ve been teased for years about my ability to kill plants. I even let an air plant die and replaced it with a plastic one 😂 My gardener husband was appalled.

This summer, I’m beginning to hear what the plants are saying. Lately they have been wilting in the heat. They are crying out for water with droopy leaves, curled petals, and singed edges. As people, when life turns up the heat, we wilt too. Its wonderful when people around us notice and offer refreshment.

Sometimes we see someone in need of encouragement, but it can be hard to know what to say or do. Several people reached out to me this week with their hearts heavy for someone in their life who is headed into or undergoing cancer treatment. They wanted some advice on how to help in a way that would be appreciated. I hope my experience can help.

First thing- it’s ok to not know what to say. It’s just not ok to say nothing. Cancer treatment is isolating. Please reach out to your friend, but it’s ok to tell them you don’t know what to say, but you care. The comments I appreciated most also validated that what I was experiencing was sucky and made my friend sad that I had to endure it.

Offer help, but please don’t say, “let me know how I can help.” Unfortunately we all have our pride. I never reached out to people who made a general offer. I did gratefully accept specific things offered or given- sweet or funny gifts, homemade food, grocery drop offs, walks, long talks, and animal visits.

If you want ideas for gifts- here’s an Amazon list of helpful items you could send: https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/33T7LCHAOBXAP?ref_=wl_share

Just use it to get your own ideas going ☺️

If you’re far away from your person, you can send a meal via door dash, or flowers in so many ways. Cards, texts, phone calls or FaceTime are all options. Humor is always appreciated and a listening ear. The fighter is experiencing so many emotions. Just don’t give advice unless requested. Others have already given too much, I promise 😉

Remember you are unique and have something special to give your person that’s hurting. So, think of a few options you could afford physically, financially, and emotionally and offer them- then see what they pick.

Maybe you’re the one reading this and wishing someone would see your wilting petals and stop to help. I hope they do and your people show up to help you fight. Unfortunately though, it’s your fight. You’re the one who has to suit up and go to battle each day.

What does that look like? It means taking steps forward even if they’re small. If someone has offered some support, accept. Be honest when people ask how you’re doing. Figure out what gives you energy and do more of that.

If you’ve read some of my blogs, you’ve figured out that I have a strong spiritual practice. My personal relationship with God grew deeper during cancer. Jeremiah 17:7-8 says, “…blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord whose confidence is in Him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes, it’s leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”

Thankfully, pre cancer my roots were already deep into the living water God wants to give. During treatment I met with Him and read His word daily to receive refreshment and strength. God and I had honest conversations about all that I was feeling and thinking. I like to do that by writing out my prayers in a journal that I eventually toss as it’s messy and raw. I also keep a gratitude list journal and my one from treatment is priceless to me because it is filled with ways I saw God meet my needs -often using those around me. My gratitude journals I keep. I just hit over 9500 items- post cancer.

I have a chronic pain condition from an old foot injury from a horse that happened when I was 18. Thankfully I had done a lot of work before cancer to figure out how to cope with chronic pain. Those skills were totally transferable to fighting cancer. One of the most important ones was utilizing regular exercise.

Years ago a pivotal moment happened for me when a doctor asked, “Do you want to walk?” It felt like a ludicrous question to me… she followed it up with, “then you need to swim.” Swimming is life giving to me now and was during cancer. Personally I also enjoy my stationary bike, and walking as much as I can. Discover what you like, but move until you do. Movement will increase your endorphins and you need them!

Think of ways to connect with and appreciate your medical team. I enjoyed bringing them flowers. My sister-in-law while fighting brain cancer, handed out magic wands. It’s important to feel seen, and saying thank you to them will make you feel good and pave a path to better communication with your team.

Enjoy foods you like, and ones that are good for you 😆, wear comfy clothes, snuggle in soft blankets, read funny books, watch feel good movies, drink LOTS of water, take a nap, listen to fun music, dance, pet an animal, spend time in nature, avoid negativity, and be creative.

Painting has been something I’ve enjoyed for years. After treatment was when I had time to take classes to learn and improve. The process of being creative is extremely life giving. During treatment a friend gave me a book on hand lettering that was really fun to do. I find that my entire system relaxes when I’m painting and any anxiety or high emotion melts away. Find what you can do that feeds your soul. The process is what matters, not the end product. If what you create starts to be something you want to keep- that’s a bonus ☺️

Consider a focus board or bulletin board with photos of those who love you, and things that encourage you to keep on keeping on. Some days you’ll rock it and some days will be hard to get out of bed. The next day can be better, but you might have to choose to make it so. It ok to cry, and be angry. Let it out and don’t stuff it down. Then refocus on all you have to be grateful for. You can do this! Just take one step at a time.

Side note- A friend helped me understand that not everyone can show up for you in a way you wish they would. Just the word “cancer” triggers differing emotions in all of us. Some people will disappear. It hurts. It’s more about them than you. Their own fears might be paralyzing them. Try to let it go and focus on those who step in. Your relationships with them will grow in beautiful ways.

We can each bloom where we’re planted, even if the soil is very rocky. Whatever role you find yourself in, supporter or fighter, please consider how to draw strength from God. Roots that go down deep into the Living Water will enable you to be a source of refreshment to those around you, and give you strength to keep going.

Today would’ve been my sister-in-law, Marissa’s, 42nd birthday. She’s been gone a month now, after dying from brain cancer reoccurrence. This afternoon, I suited up in my bright pink “Joy” t-shirt and enjoyed ice cream with a friend in her honor. My friend let me talk about all the things I loved about my little sister-in-law. The shirt defines joy as “gladness not defined by circumstances.” Let’s choose joy each day we’re given, and decide to bloom where we’re planted 🌸💗

35 years ago on Labor Day weekend, I met a 7 year old girl, Marissa Carney. I had no idea how she would impact my life. I had just started dating my husband, Brent, and we went to visit his family in Claremont, CA where I got to meet his darling little sister. They were exceptionally close for a 12 year age gap. Brent always could make her belly laugh. This was just the first trip of many and 3 years later she was the flower girl at our wedding.

Family vacations followed- to meet up in Yosemite or camp in Mendocino. It was on the way home from a trip when she shared with me how she had learned how to have a personal relationship with Jesus at a Vacation Bible School. From that time on, we had many faith conversations.

We loved any time we got with her and were excited when Brent’s parents decided to move to El Dorado Hills – only 2 ish hr away from us. This way they were closer as our sons were born. She was so excited to be an aunt at age 16! Even though our eldest peed on her while she changed his diaper 🤣

She graduated high school and went to Emory University and we got to see her on every break or trip home as Brent’s parents had then moved even closer to us! She loved showing up for her our boys’ soccer games or giving them gifts, like hermit crabs one Christmas😳 She and her brother passed the same can of sardines back and forth for over 20 Christmases!

After college, she stayed in the Atlanta area, taking a position with a company for whom she’d interned while at Emory. We were happy when a transfer took her to southern Ca and she was only a day’s drive away. Then the shocking news came that she had terminal brain cancer at age 24, and we were terrified.

Many car trips south happened as we supported her in the fight for her life. She was amazing! Every care giver was her friend. She looked at name tags, and used first names as she genuinely looked others in the eye and asked how they were as they helped her. She fought her cancer with courage, faith, and determination.

We prayed and begged for a miracle, and those prayers were answered. She went into remission, unheard of with her type of cancer. Post treatment, she decided to move back to Atlanta and wanted to make a career change to do something more meaningful. Eventually she found a home & community at Make a Wish. She touched many lives in their time of need, and her ability to communicate with corporate sponsors raised money for many wishes to be granted.

Marissa also decided to try online dating. After many frustrating first dates, she decided to be upfront about her cancer before any date began. Nick was the first one who that didn’t faze. He proved that he was her match in the ability to face life with courage and faith.

It was wonderful to watch them fall in love and decide to spend life by each other’s side. Together they decided to foster to adopt. In 2019, a 7 week old baby entered their lives- Bella. She and Nick adjusted to parenting and threw their hearts into it. It was a dream come true.

In 2021, I got unexpected news that I had metastatic breast cancer. We rushed into treatment and surgeries which were elevated by the discovery that I carry the BRCA 1 gene. Marissa was “by my side” emotionally and added songs to help me create a fight play list. Her example was at the forefront of my mind during each health care interaction. I looked at name tags, asked questions about how the person was, or complemented them. I brought flowers to appointments to show appreciation. I dug into my faith and fought back with joy. Basically I channeled my inner Marissa.

Unfortunately her fight also began again that summer as a new brain tumor was found. Surgery was performed once and then twice as she begged them to get everything they could so that she could be the mom and wife she wanted to be for as long as possible. She bought her caregivers magic wands.

In April of 2022 many prayers were answered when Bella’s adoption was finalized. Bella Loren Marrano has found a special place in all of our hearts. Marissa fought valiantly for each day she could spend as her mother.

Cancer brings new perspective. Marissa had showed me that and then I faced it myself. Because of her, I wasn’t surprised when I didn’t want to continue running the company we had built, post cancer but wanted something more meaningful including more time with those I love. Gratitude consumes me for each day I’m given, and now I try to capture that as I blog, paint and make greeting cards. Who knows what all this next chapter will hold as this new perspective carries me forward?

“Today is a gift” is the way Marissa lived the last three years. Last September on a visit, I got to sit at the park with her. Marissa’s words had trouble getting out, but she looked around her with a smile and said, “Today”. I knew what she meant as she savored the moment- today is a gift, let’s enjoy it.

As cancer took her eyesight and mobility this spring, her attitude of grit was inspiring. Her kind heart remained evident as she continued to be concerned for others – wanting us to “tell her everything” about her nephews and being so happy for Bella to get to play softball.

My life is better for having Marissa in it. She taught me that even when life hands you lemons you can unexplainably make lemonade. She was a bright star, shining out in a dark world (Phil 2:15 AMPC). She found strength in her faith as she faced the dreaded reoccurrence. She loved with her whole heart, and never gave up. I know by her example that if I have to face what every cancer survivor dreads- reoccurrence- by God’s grace I could fight again.

We got the news that Marissa had gone to heaven two days before her daughter Bella turned 5. I recently painted Bella dancing and was so happy when it arrived in time for her birthday. I hope as she grows up she carries her mother’s legacy into her life, choosing to dance when she faces challenging days. I’m so grateful for her daddy, Nick, and the tribe around her of those who loved Marissa and love her. Bella shines brightly, just like her mama did.

I’m so grateful to know Marissa is now in heaven along with her precious mom, enjoying “amazing” things and probably dancing to Faith Hill songs. For as many days as I am given, I want to follow her example to shine brightly, live life to the fullest- in faith not fear; and enjoy today, because each day is a gift to be savored 💗

Her move to heaven leaves a hole here. God comforts my grieving heart with these words, “He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds. He counts the stars and knows them by name, (Ps 147:3-4 NLT).” As I look into the night sky, I wonder, is one named Marissa? ✨

I recently finished a painting of a butterfly and asked facebook friends for ideas on a name. One suggested Splendor in the Grass and asked if I knew of the poem by Woodsworth? I didn’t and once I read it, was captivated by this line, “though nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower, we grieve not, rather find strength in what lies behind.” Google says the poem is about the fleeting nature of youth. Maybe? I see in this line a beautiful sentiment about legacy left behind by loved ones.

I just finished another scene that includes redwood trees and a stream. I took the reference photo outside of my dentist’s office in Occidental this winter because the scene reminded me of growing up in the redwoods. I loved it when it rained enough that the creek ran in winter. In it I added forget-me-nots and wild irises. When my grandmother passed away we spread her ashes by a redwood tree where wild irises were blooming. I named this painting Forget Me Not in her honor.

My grandma has been gone for 23 years, yet I still miss her. She left behind a legacy that is still meaningful. She was an intelligent woman, who got her master’s degree in nursing while many women still weren’t going to college. She had a career nursing, including teaching at Stanford’s teaching hospital. When I was struggling as a young teacher she paid for a class on assertiveness ☺️ She taught me to sew by hand, and to enjoy peanut butter on toast with sliced bananas. She loved to play backgammon with me, enjoyed growing roses, and teaching Bible Study. Her faith despite the difficulties she’d faced was inspiring. She was an amazing listener and a pretty terrible cook 😆 she loved to watch live sports, and came to every school event she could. I was so fortunate to have her love and support.

These gifts my grandmother gave me are her legacy. They are what “lies behind” even once the flowers have faded.

Today we can enjoy time with those we love, storing up memories. When they are gone, those memories will be their legacy and continue to warm our hearts. Things like the smell of a double delight rose blooming, or a taste of peanut butter on toast with sliced bananas can bring them back to us for a minute 💗

Spring is fading into summer. Time seems to pass more quickly the older I get. I don’t want to miss the splendor in the grass of this moment- the butterfly landing on wild radish that Brent caught with his camera for me, or the end of the irises blooming. Soon the apple blossoms will turn into apples, and my berry vine full of blooms will share tart fruit- some of the joys of summer.

Each season has its beauty and perhaps its heartbreak. In the midst of the sad, I don’t want to miss the good. I have the privilege of being auntie to wonderful nieces and nephews. Two are close by. In the midst of this season of grief, I haven’t felt very “fun”, but Sanyu and Ssuubi both just had birthdays. These led to some special time out together and wonderful smiles pictured here. Memories were made 😍 and my heart was full after getting time together.

Let’s find strength in what “lies behind”, joy in those things that transcend time and bring delight to our hearts. What splendor in the grass can we catch today?

I’m creating a new phrase- joy bytes. I’m so grateful that there are reasons to be grateful every day. A friend recently called them “bits of joy”. In her illustration, she likened grief to fog rolling in over the Golden Gate Bridge- cold, heavy, and obscuring the beauty; but thankfully grief ebbs and flows and there are still times when the sun shines and the sky gleams blue. The search for sunshine in life can feel like a treasure hunt. When we find it- let’s call it a joy byte, and savor it for at least 8 seconds ☺️ (because according to google, a byte of information is 8 decimals long functioning as a unit)

I’ve been on the treasure hunt for joy bytes lately, seeking to stop and be present in the moment as it occurs. I’m hoping you’ll join me on the journey and that my list will spring board your own. Perhaps we can help each other see additional reasons to experience joy!

A friend recently gave me an awesome bright pink T-shirt that says, “JOY- noun- gladness not based on circumstances, 1 Peter 1:8-9”. It was so cute that I made sure my new daughter-in-law and I both have one and we had a twinsies day 😄 (see photo) It’s remarkable that as humans we can feel two opposite emotions at the same time. So, even if life is hard or the news is hard to watch, joy can be present because-

There are still happy dog wiggles

Kitty cat purrs

Happy dog smiles

Birds chirping

Fruit trees blooming

Irises springing forth to herald the change of seasons

Roses starting to bud

The smell of lilacs wafting

The taste of dark chocolate

Fresh popped popcorn in 3 min in a microwave

Funny books that someone actually finished writing

The smell of just mowed grass

Hot coffee to help start the day

A silly cat & dog who join me in “greeting” each new day with a prayer of thanksgiving 😻

A public pool in which to swim laps

A field of forget me nots discovered on a drive at sunset

The Pacific Ocean is just 30 min away from my house

The smell of the ocean

The feel of kitty cat fur

Hot chocolate chip cookies with melty chocolate chips 😋

Ice cream!

A meal shared with friends

The encouragement of a listening ear

The warmth of a hug

Soft sweaters

Fun music that makes you just have to sing along or dance however imperfectly

Life giving hobbies

The feeling of euphoria after exercise

The colors in the sky at sunset

Puffy clouds rolling by

An unexpected rainbow reminding that God does keep His promises

Purchasing an item on sale!

Hair to brush & curl & color 🤣

Fresh eggs from a friend

FaceTime so you can see someone far away

The thoughtfulness of a text

Laughing with a friend (and crying too)

Being creative

Work that brings purpose & $

Heartfelt generosity

Jeans that fit ☺️

A clean house

Fresh flowers on the table

Recliners and fuzzy blankets

Time with family

The power of prayer

The “steadfast love of the Lord never ceases”

And His “mercies are new every morning” (Lam 3:22-23)

And the list goes on… feel free to post some of yours. We’d love to be encouraged by your joy bytes💗